Match Point

SPOILER: Match Point. I will talk about this movie in a minute, but only jus’ta little bit. But first, something needs to be mentioned.

Ok. So, at Regal Hollywood 20 theatre here in Naples, I always order, what should be called, “The Corn Platter”. As Jill and I have discussed many times, anything you order at the theater is…well, basically corn. When it comes down to it, everything you eat at the theater is simply just corn products – corn syrups, corn bi-products, and corn. Corn consumption is completely against my diet, but every now and then at a weekly matinee, “The Corn Platter” is allowed.

On the menu at H-20, “The Corn Platter” is named “Kidz Reel Meal”. When I ordered today, a Cocoonie behind me asked me what a “Kidz Reel Meal” is. And I told her, it is a small Coke (McDonald’s small size, circa 1984 – pre Biggie craze), a tiny pouch of Halloween-sized M&Ms, and an adequate amount of popped corn. All in a cartooned cardboard lap sized tray.


I always wait to open the M&Ms after I have finished eating the popped corn. I know many of you like to toss the M&Ms in your with a mushy mouthful of corn. But not me. I wait. And tear it open and enjoy each one.

But something REALLY bad happened today. I mean, fo’real. There is nothing more exiting to have some chocolate after some salt (note: don’t take that sentence out of context). So, I tear open my M&Ms and toss the first one in my mouth. It’s dark; I’m all excited about my chocolate and totally into the movie. I bite into it only to discover it is a Skittle. A chewy, gross shitty Skittle! Imagine the devastation. The teen out front jimmied my Kidz Reel Meal and slipped me a bag of Skittles instead of M&Ms. There seriously is nothing worse.

I should have known because the wrapper on Skittles is smoother. Blast! My tongue was telling me that something was wrong from the start. The morsel was smooth and a smidge more round than an M&M. Trust me, I can tell. I still stand by the fact that blue M&Ms have a different texture – via scientifical blind taste tests. Blue ones suck – which really sucks because each bag of M&Ms contains 24% blue. Yuk.

Anyway, back to the movie.

First, Jonathan Rhys-Meyers is unbelievable to look at. I wish I could go to the White Rabbit in Bloomington, IN and buy a poster of him to hang in my locker at school. Pardon my Nelly, but that is some hot shit country grammar. And the boy has some lips that rival Scarlett’s. Both perfect casting for the parts. The movie is actually pretty good. It made me squirm quite a bit, which meant I was completely into it and not paying attention to the distracting noises of surrounding Cocoonies.

I haven’t always been a huge Woody Allen fan, but I really like his delivery on this one. I love how he isn’t ashamed of staging actors with their backs to the camera while they are talking. And he really doesn’t care that he is using extremely bad lighting. But that’s why I like him. I just have been sad all afternoon about the movie though. I hate it when the bad guy wins. And in this one, the truth is that good people don’t always win. Sad. But a different sad than biting into a Skittle thinking it is an M&M.

It Happened: FL DMV

It's official. I have a Florida drivers license. I know. My palms are sweaty and my throat is itchy. I guess I never really saw it coming. But all of a sudden the day to get a resident license was before me.

I loved having my Indiana license. It was such a valuable trump card. Plus+ I looked ultra smokin' on picture day. The FL one - not so much. Basically I look like I have been irritated from waiting 2.5 hours at the DMV. Oh wait.

I guess this one can act as a conversation piece too. I mean, the background is, after all, an airbrushed sunset. I know you can buy airbrushed license plates (perhaps even one with a dolphin flipping in the sunset) that say "Daytona Beach" at those beach shops all across Florida that sell Spring Break shirts and towels, but you shouldn't have that on your drivers license. Leave it to the plate, man. I just think it is cooler to have an Indiana license. Shoot.

Not hating though. It is sunny and warm and feeling good on the skin.

Letter to Movie Goer - Part I

Dear Mr. Back Row Popcorn Eater,

Hello!. I’m so excited that ‘Brokeback Mountain’ finally came down to Naples, FL (read: 4 showings daily, at 1 theatre in a 20 mile radius, but whatev…). I’m also very excited that we were able to see the first matinee of the day, on a Monday, when the children have all gone back to school so there are no distractions (like eleven year olds riding skateboards down the ramped aisle ways).

I know you are just as excited as I am to see ‘Brokeback Mountain’. I can tell by the way you are nervously chomping on the Kong-sized container of popcorn. But here’s the thing. There really is no logical explanation as to why I should be able to hear you, from 4 rows away, devour every handful of popcorn that you shovel into your mouth – the next shovel ready before you have even allowed your salivary glands to produce enough secretion to give proper digestion. Maybe you are nervous? Are you nervous about watching ‘Brokeback Mountain’ in Naples, FL (the Red Hat Ladies are fierce, I know) and is that why you are sitting by yourself in the back row of the theatre? Oh dear, puh-leeze don’t tell me that you think this is a porn.

There are many lovely uses for lips. In the movie theatre, there should be very little use of your lips. Oh, except to close around your fat mouth to muffle the ridiculously audible sound of your teeth chomping on corn.

Go Ang Lee!

Love, Ryan